Climax Springs
by RasonForRuin
Summary: Two vastly different worlds collide when the sophisticated, city girl meets the redneck, country boy. Absurdity ensures when true love decides to strike when least expected. A hilarious tale of finding love.
1. Chapter 1

1. Breakdowns & Freakouts

"We're lost!" Alice wailed from the passenger seat for perhaps the hundredth time since we had exited the freeway.

"Yes, Alice. You've told me. Several times. Repeating it doesn't make us un-lost," I growled through gritted teeth. I eyed my friend from behind my dark sunglasses, noting she was still slouched up against the door with a sullen expression on her face. "This was your idea," I reminded her, gesturing wildly at the miles of nothingness that surrounded us.

"But it's Route 66! There's supposed to be stuff on it!"

"Maybe fifty years ago," I grumbled, sighing as I squeezed my hands around the steering wheel. We had been lost for hours, trying to follow the elusive Route 66. My poor BMW wasn't meant for gravel or dirt roads that kicked up dust behind us like a bad Western. It didn't help matters that it had been making a weird noise since a particularly large pothole several miles back. _I would give anything to be on the five at rush hour right now. Anything would be better than this._

Alice and I were traveling cross country for my mother's wedding. For some unfathomable reason, instead of hopping a flight out of LAX to Chicago, we'd gotten it into our heads to go on the great American road trip. We'd talked about driving cross country since graduating from college, but had never gotten around to it. Renee's wedding was the perfect excuse.

At least I had thought so until we got to about Texas. By Texas, I was ready for an airplane with five screaming babies, if it meant I didn't have to spend another minute in the car.

Why I had ever let Alice convince me to stop for the night in Springfield, Missouri, so that we could take Route 66 the rest of the way into St. Louis, was beyond me. We should have just stayed on the freeway. Or better yet, I should have told her we were skipping St. Louis altogether, and kept driving straight to Chicago—no more stops.

It had started with the damn thermometer in Baker, before we'd even made it out of California, and it hadn't stopped. Alice wanted to see every last hokey tourist trap along the way. At first, it had been fun. I'd taken silly pictures with my Blackberry and sent them en masse to our friends back in L.A., and I'd been all for a stop in Vegas. We meandered south from there, hitting the Hoover Dam and Grand Canyon before shooting out across New Mexico.

But by the time we were somewhere in the middle of Oklahoma—and seen nothing but corn for eighty miles—I just wanted to be in Jacksonville on the beach. _I should have put my foot down then; I should have just told Alice to shut up and go to sleep. _

_But noooooo_, I thought to myself, glaring from the driver's seat. _Alice said, let's take Route 66! There has to be something fun for us to see! I'm tired of the freeway._ In my head, Alice's voice was that of a five-year-old three seconds from a temper tantrum_. I don't wanna take the freeway anymore! _

The GPS had been searching for satellites for over an hour. We hadn't seen a proper town for thirty miles. We were running out of gas, and I was running out of patience.

"Oh my god!" Alice squealed, gesturing wildly. I frowned, pulling myself out of my thoughts. _If it's a sign for anything that starts with "world's largest" I'm leaving her here. _

It wasn't. It was a faded and battered green road sign reading "Climax Springs, 10 miles."

"Climax Springs?" I snorted. I couldn't help myself. "You've got to be shitting me."

"Think they have a gas station?"

"They better. Or we're walking the rest of the way to St. Louis."

"Maybe they'll have one of those cute diners!"

"Yeah, maybe," I muttered without enthusiasm. I turned my attention back to the road, my stomach churning at the thought of yet another diner meal. Alice seemed to have a stomach lined with lead; I wasn't so lucky. I couldn't wait to find a Whole Foods and drown myself in organic vegetables.

I highly doubted that anyone in the town of Climax Springs had even so much as heard of Whole Foods.

Reaching forward, I turned the music up, my mood brightened by the thought of getting out of the damn car in the not-so-distant future. If this town had a gas station, in theory we could get directions back to civilization.

I vowed to stick to the freeways for the rest of the drive, no matter how much Alice bitched. We were done taking scenic routes, and we were done making stops. When we got to St. Louis, we would find a Hilton, go to bed, and hit the road first thing.

_Maybe I can dump a handful of Benadryl in her morning coffee. That'll shut her up for a few hours._

_I'm losing my mind. I need to get out of this fucking car._

My imagination was running away with me. It had been bad enough that I kept thinking the car was making funny noises; now I was imagining ways to drug my best friend into silence.

I really needed to get out of the car for a few hours.

Singing along to the radio, my eyes scanned the road ahead of us, paranoid about getting pulled over as we zipped along at seventy. I hadn't seen a cop since Springfield, but then again, we hadn't even really seen that many other cars for some time.

_This is fucking axe-murderer country. Fucking Alice. Fucking Route 66. _

The sign had said it was ten miles to Climax Springs, and we had gone seven. There was still no sign of life, with the exception of the occasional trailer set far back from the road. I was beginning to grow paranoid; somewhere in New Mexico, we had come across a town with a population of one-hundred and twenty poor souls. The town line sign had been in someone's driveway. I was becoming seriously concerned Climax Springs would be a repeat.

"Oh thank god," I muttered when I finally spied a gas station up ahead on the left. Alice perked up in the passenger seat, and I was suddenly desperate to be out of the car. I floored the gas pedal, shooting us forward with an ominous grinding of gears.

"What was that?"

"You heard it too?" I looked over at Alice, biting down on my lip and willing myself not to cry. We were in the middle of fuck-all nowhere, and my car was making terrible noises. We had been on the road for over a week, and even if I managed to get reception on my Blackberry anytime soon, the nearest AAA had to be back in Springfield.

"Maybe it was just a stick in the road or something," she suggested brightly as I turned into the gas station, dust flying up behind us. The road was paved, but it was so filthy, and in such bad repair, that it didn't make much of a difference.

"Yeah, maybe."

_Worst. Idea. Ever. I'm never leaving L.A. again. _

The car jerked to a stop at one of the two sad-looking gas pumps. They looked to be older than both Alice and I combined, and there was definitely no option to swipe my credit card. Doing my best to ignore the sickening sound my car had made when I killed the engine, I turned to Alice with a sigh.

"I'm going to run inside and see if I can get directions back to the freeway."

"Ask if there's a diner."

"I was planning on it."

_I'm putting Benadryl in your eggs. _

I flashed a smile at Alice before I threw the car door open. The heat hit me like a furnace, the air thick and humid. It was barely eleven in the morning, and it already felt hotter than hell.

_Pool, beer, central air; pool, beer, central air. _

Repeating my mantra, I crossed the gas station parking lot, doing my best to ignore the heap of rust parked off to the side of the building. Two guys sat in the back of the pickup, in the midst of what seemed to be a lively conversation. One of them was laughing so hard I thought he was going to fall out of the truck.

The sun glinted off the can in his hand. With a sudden rush of horror, I realized it was a beer.

_It's nowhere near noon! Where the hell are we? Who drinks at a gas station? At eleven in the morning! Ugh! I need to get out of here. Fucking Alice. _

With a huff, I yanked on the door to the gas station as hard as I could—and nearly pulled my arm out of its socket. It was locked.

"Mother fuck," I growled, looking around. It was then that I noticed the sign taped to the door. A hasty scribble covered the paper with a simple message: Gone to town. Be back soon.

"Town? Where the fuck is town?"

I wanted to stomp my feet. I almost did, but I didn't want to ruin my boots. Christian Louboutins didn't come cheap.

"He's be back soon. He just gone to town for a spell."

_Oh great. An overly friendly drunk is talking to me. _

"Um, okay. How far to the nearest gas station?" I asked, turning to the two guys sitting in the back of the pickup. I winced at drawing their attention, wondering if these two had simply kept drinking from the night before. It definitely looked like they hadn't changed their clothes for a few days.

The one with the beer can was wearing ripped jeans with mud stains across the thighs, like he had been continuously wiping his hands on them. He wore what had once upon a time been a white T-shirt, with an unbuttoned red plaid shirt over it. The sleeves had been ripped off of both shirts, exposing impressive biceps.

He grinned drunkenly at his friend. "Whatdaya say, Edward? Town 'bout twenty, thurty?"

Edward glanced in my direction, a crooked smile working its way across his face. He was dressed no less hideously. His shorts had once been camo pants, obviously hacked across the knees. I suspected he had done it himself, probably with a kitchen knife by the looks of it. He also wore a black wife-beater with holes sporadically exposing a pale chest. Judging by how tan his arms were, I was nearly positive he was sporting one hell of a farmer's tan in the shape of that damn shirt.

The hideous outfit did little to hide his broad shoulders and muscular arms.

"Yeah, thinks so. Twenty, thurty, sounds 'bout right to me."

I wanted to slap them both. They were definitely drunk. I glanced down at my watch with a sigh; it was five to eleven.

"Okay, I think I have twenty minutes of gas left. How do I get there?"

"Ma'am, yous not gonna make it there. That there car made a terrible ruckus when it done turned off." Edward grinned up at me for a moment before setting his beer down and jumping to the ground. "I don't reckon yous goin' a whole lot of nowhere." He wiped his hands off on his pants, fixing his stare on me from beneath the rim of a torn baseball cap; it was so badly beaten up that I couldn't even make out the name of the team.

"Are you a mechanic?" I asked hesitantly, uncertain I wanted a drunk man anywhere near my car. I was beginning to seriously contemplate murdering Alice.

_Where the fuck is Alice, anyway?_

"Nah, but Jasper is. He owns this place." He jerked his thumb over his shoulder, and I had to choke back a snort at the name.

_Climax Springs Quick Lube? Are you shitting me? _

"Okay. And when is he going to be back?"

"Dunno." Edward grinned again, his deep green eyes dancing with merriment. He motioned to his friend and the dilapidated truck before he told me, "Emmett and me would be glad to keep yous company while yous waitin'. We gotta wait for Jasper to come back anyhows. Truck's just 'bout outta gas."

I wanted to cry. My hopes of a hot shower and stiff drink were rapidly fading, leaving me with two drunken country boys. Staring down at the dusty asphalt, I caught sight of Edward's shoes—untied work boots, caked in mud along the bottom.

"Bella? What's taking so long?" Alice finally walked up, the heels of her boots clicking on the pavement. We had both thought it might be fun to dress the part for our road trip; jeans shorts, plaid shirts, and killer cowboy boots—if cowboys had ever been to Paris. She glanced over at Edward, and then beyond him to Emmett, who offered up a lolling grin. "Who's your new friend?"

"Name's Edward. Please to meet ya. That one there's Emmett." He nodded his head back toward the truck. "I's just tellin' yer friend here that Jasper'll be back in a bit. Then y'all can have 'em take a look under yer hood."

"Excuse me?"

"Edward thinks there's something wrong with the BMW," I told her, suddenly thankful the heat had already turned my cheeks red. "The guy who owns this place is apparently a mechanic. He should be back soon."

"I see." Alice's eyes shot between me and the two guys, before finally settling on the beer can Emmett still held. He was too busy staring at my boobs to notice her glare. "When exactly is soon?"

"Dunno." Edward laughed, a deep throaty laugh. I noticed he didn't offer her up the same lopsided grin he'd had for me. "'Bout an hour or three, be'd my guess."

"An hour or three," I repeated, dumbfounded.

"Yep. Wanna beer?"

"Do I want a beer?"

"We's gots plenty!" Emmett called. When I turned my eyes on him, he was swinging his feet back and forth like a toddler.

"It's eleven o'clock."

"Is it? Huh. We's been here 'bout an hour, so I reckon Jasper'll be back soon. Beer's cold."

I looked over at Alice, exchanging a look. They'd been here for over an hour. They had started drinking at ten in the morning—or maybe they'd just never stopped from the night before.

"No thanks, we'll pass." I glanced over my shoulder, back at my poor car. I wondered if it was worth trying to start it up, or if Edward had been right about the terrible noise. He seemed like he knew what he was talking about...but he was also god knew how many beers deep.

"If you can just point us in the right direction, I think we'll try for that other gas station. I'd really like to get into St. Louis as soon as possible." _And back to civilization_, I tacked on silently.

"Don't thinks yer gonna make it, ma'am. It's an awful hot day for a walk. 'Specially in them there shit kickers." Edward nodded toward my feet. I noticed his gaze lingered just a little longer than it should have on my legs as he brought his eyes back up.

_Did he seriously just call the Louboutins shit kickers?_

"Bella. My name is Bella. Please stop calling me ma'am. I'm not old enough for that. This is Alice."

"Nice to meet ya, Miss Bella. What're you two girls doin' so far off the interstate?"

_Now it's "Miss Bella"? What the hell? And please god, please, just fucking enunciate. _

"We were going to take Route 66 from Springfield to St. Louis," Alice jumped in, a bright grin on her face. "We're on a road trip."

"Yer a long way from theres." Edward chuckled again, turning to me with his lopsided grin. "Yous musta gotten all sorts of turned 'round. That there road is mighty hard to foller if yer not from 'round here."

"I noticed." I shifted my weight, my feet hurting from standing in the ridiculously high heels. They looked cute, but they weren't good for long conversations in gas station parking lots. "Do you happen to have a bottle of water in that cooler?"

"Nah. Just beer. Gots no need for water."

"Water's for pussies!" Emmett laughed to himself, flopping back into the bed of the truck with his legs still dangling.

"How many beers has he had?" I asked warily, peering at Emmett. He was still laughing to himself, clutching his chest with his free hand. As I watched, he tried to bring the beer can to his lips, but only managed to dump it all over himself. He sat up sputtering, staring at the can as if it'd taken on a life of its own.

"Couple two three." Edward must have seen the look at on my face, because he sounded amused as he turned to join my stare. "He's just like that. Think Ma done dropped him too many times when we's was boys."

"He's your brother?"

"Yep. I's older by eleven months."

_I thought you were supposed to space kids out. Jesus. His mother must have gotten knocked up right after he was born!_ I blushed as soon as the thought went through my head. It was one thing to constantly berate my own mother in my head, but I felt bad judging a stranger's mother while I stood right in front of him.

Emmett had managed to haul himself out of the truck, and was now ambling toward us. He slung an arm around his brother's shoulder, taking a swig off his beer. "You girls from St. Louie?"

Alice burst out laughing, and I shot her a nasty look. "No, we're from L.A. on our way to Chicago."

"Oh yeah? City of Angels, ain't that right? Never been there. Never been nowhere outta Missouri."

_Never been out of Missouri? _

"My mom's getting married," I explained, unsure what else to say. I couldn't imagine if I'd never been out of California. This wasn't the first trip I'd taken with Alice, and it wouldn't be the last. We had met in college at UCLA, and been virtually inseparable ever since. Besides the family trips—my dad was in Washington, and my mom in Florida; Alice's parents lived in Washington, DC—we had spent our spring breaks together. "Alice and I thought it'd be nice to drive."

"Yous drove all the way from Caliefornia?" Emmett's eyes got wide, as if we had just told him we were from the moon. "Damn, that there's a long way."

"Yeah," I agreed. I was starting to think maybe I would have one of those beers; I was going to need it to keep this conversation going.

* * *

**AN: Giant thanks goes out to our lovely betas, Bookgeek80 & Maggie Cullen, as well as the lovely pre-readers, venis_envy & AGirlReckoning. Thanks bunches for helping us bring Hickward to life!**

**Interstate 5 is locally known as "the five" in the LA area.**

**Baker, California, is home to the world's tallest thermometer.**

**Let us know what you think! Love to all, NowforRuin and MsRason**


	2. Chapter 2

2. Lost in Translation

We pulled up in the parking lot of Jasper's, seeing he done put a sign in the window saying he gone to town. I knew how he could be when he was there, so I figured it'd be a bit before he'd get back. Emmett and me would just have to wait it out. My pickup sure did need the gas, or we wouldn't be going nowhere for long.

We jumped out of the cab and done sat down on the tailgate, making ourselves all comfy like. I looked down at the Pabst in my hand before taking a drink. I was gonna need a new one real soon. I sure was glad we brought the cooler with us, because we'd probably be here for a while.

"I's sure do hopes Jasper gets back here soon. I's suppose to take the twins over yonder to the salvage yard for parts for cousin Ben's Rabbit. He says it needs a new master cylinder," Emmett said as he grabbed another Pabst out of the cooler.

"He'll get here when he gets here, Emmett," I replied. "Why Ben don't get his own parts, I's dunno. He needs to gets over his fear of them there magnets."

"Yous be scared of 'em too, Edward, if yous had a metal plate in yer head."

"True dat, I's suppose."

Our cousin, Ben Cummings, had a little accident a few years back. We was all out one night cow tipping and he done tripped and banged up his head on a big ole rock. The cow woke up during the tipping and took a shit all over Ben while he was passed out. He ended up cracking his head open pretty good. Even my pa, Carlisle, couldn't patch him back together. He had to go all the way to that St. John's hospital in Springfield. He had been there for more than a month. At least he had that good hospital cooking while he was there. I hear it's mighty tasty.

Ben hasn't been right since, though; he tends to walk a bit to the left. Good thing the floor in his trailer ain't level, or he'd always be walking into the walls.

He does have a fear of them magnets, though, ever since his last trip to the salvage yard. You see, they have these big ole magnets that pick up all the scrap metal and drops it on the train. One day, Ben got a little too close to the magnet, and it done sucked him up in it and then dropped him on that train right before it took off. No one found him, and it took him a week to walk back home.

He won't even go near my ma's refrigerator now. You see, she collects them pretty magnets and has them all over it. Ben dern near flips out if he even sees them.

"I's thought he put a master cylinder in that car last spring?" I asked Emmett after taking a long swig of my beer.

"I's think he did, but it was a dud. Needs a new one. I's ain't complainin' though. I's sure do like going to that fancy salvage yard down there in Macks Creek."

"That sure is a nice one. But watch out for them po-lice. They's likes to give out the tickets down there."

"That they do. Ben gots one of their tickets the last time he was down there fishin' for parts. That sure was a bad day for him, wuttin it?" Emmett chuckled. I joined in with him, because hell, that shit was funny.

We were both still laughing when I saw a car coming down the road. It was real fancy like, and redder than a baboon's butt after a bout with the diarrhea.

As it neared us, I heard an awful ruckus. That there car was having problems. Ain't no denying that. It pulled up next to one of them gas pumps and then shuddered to a stop. Yep, they weren't gonna be able to go much further than that.

Emmett kept on laughing beside me, but as soon as the shiny door to that fancy car opened, I couldn't pay him no more attention because a lady, the likes I never did see before, had stepped out and was strutting cross the pavement heading toward the door to the Quick Lube.

From the looks of her, she wasn't from around these here parts. She was wearing fancy clothes that matched her fancy car, and a pair of boots that made her walk clear up on her tippy toes.

A sudden look of panic flashed across her pretty features when she looked our way, and I wondered what that was all about. Emmett and me were just sitting there minding our own business. We wasn't hurting nothing.

I had to laugh a little when she tried to open the door. She nearly fell right on over when the door didn't budge one bit. When she started spewing them big curse words about her ma, I knew she wasn't the sort of lady that we see around here much. We are always respectful of our ma's. Always. Unless we was wanting a switch taken after us. Trust me on this one, a ma with a switch is a bad thing to have. Not that I know much about that, seeing how it was Emmett always getting the switching.

She sure didn't seem to like the fact that Jasper wasn't there and was wanting to know how far town was. Maybe she wanted to go meet him, but I didn't think Jasper was friendly enough to take kindly to that. We told her how far it was and she done thought her car would make it. That there car wasn't going nowhere and I told her as much.

We didn't mind keeping her company while she waited on Jasper. She seemed like good people.

I caught her taking a look at my shit kickers. I reckon she was wondering why I wasn't up on my tippy toes, too, but I was pretty sure I couldn't walk in them there high shoes like she was a doing. She must've been one of them circus ladies that could walk on them there stilts or something. Emmett always did want to go down there to Springfield when the circus was there, but we never made it that far. It would be mighty fine to see them elephants though. I hear they are mighty smart critters.

We just stood there for a spell while she was looking at my boots when the other door to her fancy car opened. Another lady stepped out, and by golly, she was wearing the same high shit kickers. They made a funny clicking ruckus as she walked, and I just knew they had to be the circus folk. It just made no sense anyhow else.

When the short lady made her way over to us, I introduced Emmett and me to them. I mean, my ma raised me right and I just had to be friendly to them. They still seem mighty flustered that Jasper wasn't around and I got to wondering what Jasper had to do with the circus.

I offered them a beer, because it was hotter than a spanked baby's butt out and it was just the polite thing to do. It just ain't nice to be drinking a cool beverage and not offer to share, you see, but they didn't want no beer. Maybe they liked the Bud instead of the Pabst. All we had was the Pabst, though.

The taller one asked again where town was and I just knew they wouldn't make it in that there car. I tried to tell them again and I says to her, I says, "It's an awful hot day for a walk. 'Specially in them there shit kickers." I know she didn't like that's too much, but I was too busy looking at her legs to care. Her britches was so short her butt cheeks were fixing to fall right on out. I done thought it must be part of her circus getup.

She told me her name was Bella and I thought to myself, _that sure is a purdy name_. I never heard of that name before.

I laughed when they said they was taking the Route 66 into St. Louie. They sure was a long way off their path. I don't know how they ended up here in Climax Springs.

Now, it was getting hotter than hell's basement on the day of reckoning, so I wasn't surprised when they asked for water, but we had no water. I felt bad we didn't, but we just had no use for the stuff. Ain't nothing better than a cold beer.

We all stood there shooting the shit for a while. I told them how I was older than Emmett and they told us they was from Los Angelies. I would like to go to a fancy place like that someday, but I don't think I was ever gonna go. It was a long ways from Climax Springs.

"It was nice to meet you, Edward, but I think Alice and I will take our chances making it to the next gas station. Could you please direct us which way to go?" Bella asked all stirred up like. She sure was prettier than a speckled pup being all flustered like she was.

"Yous need to head in that 'rection, ma'am, but I's really don't think yous'll make it. Bes' wait for Jasper to get here to take a look under yer hood," I replied, pointing my finger down the road.

"Thank you, but no. We really need to be going now," she said as she turned on them circus boots and headed for her car. The short lady, who I learned was named Alice, followed behind her.

"Bye boys, it was nice to meet you," Alice hollered, showing off her pretty smile as she sat down in the car.

I walked back over to my truck and propped my back up against it, shaking my head and crossing my feet. "They's never gonna make it, Emmett. They's gonna break down and haveta foot it. It's hotter than a billygoat wit a blowtorch out here today, too. No lady should be have'n to foot it in this here heat."

"Well, we's can't go to stoppin' 'em. Yous did what's yous could, bro. Yous did what's yous could," Emmett replied. I nodded my head, agreeing with him. It wouldn't be right forcing a lady to do something she didn't wanna do. We had to let them go.

We watched as they started up their car, but as soon as Bella tried to put it in gear, a god awful racket filled the air all around us, sounding like a cranky ole coon dog, and something fell loose under the car's belly. It just done smacked the pavement.

They weren't going nowhere.

"Toss me 'nother them there beers, Emmett. Looks like we's be here for a while," I said. Emmett opened the cooler and tossed me a Pabst. I caught it and popped the top, taking a long swig. It sure was mighty tasty on a hot day the likes of today.

About then, we heard Bella hollering about her ma again.

"Mother fuck!" she yelled to no one and everyone as she climbed out of the car. Emmett looked at me and I knew what he was thinking. If we talked about our ma like that, we'd be deader than the skunk Emmett hit with the tractor that morning.

"What the hell are we going to do now? We're stuck in the middle of fucking nowhere!" Bella yelled to no one as she fished a little black rectangle out of her back pocket. She held it up to her face, looking at it all serious like. "And there's no cell reception. How the hell can there be no reception? Fucking perfect. What kind of place is this?"

"Well, it's Climax Springs, of course," Emmett told her. He looked all confused like at me, no doubt wondering how she done forgot where she was so fast like. But apparently that was the wrong thing to say, because Bella looked madder than the snake that married the garden hose.

Alice opened her door and got back out. "It'll be fine, Bella. We'll just wait until this Jasper guy gets here and let him fix it. It can't be that bad. We'll be back on the road before you know it."

"I's not so sure 'bout that, ma'am. A part of yous fancy car done did falled off under it there," I said and the two of them done did bended over and looked under that there car. I felt my heart go all pitter-patter like at the sight that was before me. I'd been right about Bella's butt cheeks wanting to fall right out of her circus britches.

But I ain't complaining.

They stood up and I had to avert my eyes, because a gentleman shouldn't be ogling the ladies where they can see it and I'm always a gentleman.

"What the fuck are we going to do, Alice? We can't stay in this...here," Bella said, flailing her hands all in the air, looking at me and Emmett likes we was a critter with three heads. Last time I checked, I only had two, though. Maybe they're used to three headed critters in that there circus she belongs to.

"It be alright, ma'am. Jasper be here's soon and he get you fixed right up," I said, thinking I needed to say something to make them feel better.

"Yous can have a beer if yous want one," Emmett said as he went to fishing for another cold one in the cooler.

"Well, I guess if we're staying for awhile, I'll take a beer," Alice, the short lady, said as she started to walk over to my pickup where we were.

"Sure thing, darlin'. Here's ya go." Emmett tossed a Pabst to her and she done screamed as it came at her and it fell to the ground and busted open, spewing us three in beer.

"What the hell did you do that for?" Alice yelled as she jumped away from the beer at her feet. "You're going to ruin my shoes!"

I never knew a lady to be scared of the beer like she was. It sure was something else.

We heard a snorting sound that sounded like one of Ma and Pa's pigs coming from Bella, and we all looked at her. "I'm just going to go sit in the car and enjoy the AC while I can. It's too fucking hot for this shit," she said as she plopped right back in the driver's seat. That fancy car was still a running, so I knew the tranny must have gone out on it or something.

"Wells, looks like we's all should make ourselves comfy, like. It might be awhile 'til Jasper gets here," I said as I sat back down on the tailgate of my pickup. I took a long swig of my beer until it was all gone and grabbed another one, popping it open.

I watched Bella sitting in her car, looking as sad as a cucumber, but all I really saw was how she was prettier than a mess of fried catfish. We didn't have ladies like her in these here parts. Boy howdy.

About ten minutes later, that there fancy car stopped a running and Bella started banging her head on that there steering wheel.

"Is she's gonna be alright?" I asked Alice since she was still standing by us. She'd finally got a beer she wasn't scared of and was drinking it down.

"I think the car ran out of gas. It was getting low when we pulled in here. She'll be fine, though. She can be a little on the moody side, but she's really sweet. She's just stressed out right now. It's been a long morning for her."

"I's sure do hopes she be alright. I's can see yous good people," I replied. Alice smiled real big like at me. Her teeth were as white as the snow on a bull's back.

Just then, the door to Bella's fancy car opened and she got out. She sure looked madder than Dolly Parton after a silicone recall. She strutted her way to us and glared at me before looking at Alice. I sure didn't know what that was about, but I just let it go.

"The car ran out of gas," she mumbled to Alice.

"No shit, darlin'. We's figured that one out when it done turned off," Emmett said. "Wanna beer?"

"No, I don't want a goddamned beer! I want to get the hell out of here, but it looks like we're stuck in this backward ass town until this Jasper guy gets here, and even then who knows how long it's going to take him to fix the damn car. I mean, who puts a sign on the door of the _only fucking gas station_ _for miles_ saying they've gone to town? Who does that? _And where the fuck is town_? No one will even fill me in on that important piece of information. How do you even know he will make it back today? Did it ever occur to him to maybe hire someone to be here when he can't be because, I don't know, someone may actually need gas or something? Is it so hard to be around during normal business hours? Apparently so, because he's just fucking gone!"

Bella said all that without so much as taking a breath. She must have real healthy like lungs. I do declare.

"Well, alright," I said, not really knowing what else to say. I just figured I better done agree with her before she starts to kicking things, or people, with them pointy shit kickers. I was sure that wouldn't feel very nice. Not at all.

"Yous sure madder than a hunch back in a limbo competition, darlin'," Emmett said as he held a beer out to her again. She slapped his hand away.

"I said I didn't want a beer," she hissed, just like one of them there rattlesnakes. Emmett looked at his hand and his bottom lip puckered out a bit at the scolding he done got from her. Emmett don't like the scoldings.

"I's sorry, ma'am. Yous have to forgive Emmett. He's a lil slow sometimes, but he's mean good," I told Bella. He weren't very bright, but he be my brother.

"I'm sorry. I'm just pissed off," Bella said, looking over at Emmett. He sure looked like he was about to cry. She took a deep breath and let it all out a sudden, likes a flustered horse. "I didn't mean it."

"That's quite alright there, ma'am. I's be upset too if my fancy car stopped a workin'," Emmett said, trying to hide a sniffle.

"Do's all the circus folks have fancy cars likes that?" I asked them, trying to change the subject to something happier. Just thinking about having circus folk here in Climax Springs was sure to make Emmett all giddy like. He would forget all about Bella hollering at him and making him cry.

"Circus folks?" Alice asked. She sounded a bit confused, but Emmett sure did perk up next to me.

"Yes, ma'am, circus folk. I's just figured yous from the circus when yous wearing them there stilty shoes. I's mean, who wears shit kickers the likes of them if theys not wit the circus?"

"Are you calling us _fucking clowns_?" Bella said all flustered like, again. She sure does like them there dirty words. I do declare.

"Well, I's, uh, I's reckon I's don't know. Do's the circus clowns wear the stilty shoes, too?" I asked. I'd never been to the circus, so I wasn't sure if they did, but apparently Bella didn't like me asking that. She sure looked madder than a flasher at one of them nudie colonies. I wasn't sure what to think about that.

About that time, we heard the sound of Jasper's motorcycle coming down the road and we all turned around just as he pulled into the parking lot.

"Well, I'll be, Jasper's back early," I said, knowing it would make these ladies mighty happy.

"What the hell is he riding?" Alice and Bella said at the same time.

"A motiecycle, of course," Emmett said as he jumped off the back of the pickup. He'd been drinking since eight that morning, so he stumbled a little bit. I was starting to feel the funnies a bit, too. This Pabst sure was good drinking.

"_That_ is supposed to be a motorcycle? It's made from wood!" Bella said, her voice all high pitched like.

"Yes'iree, it's a motiecycle. Jasper done did made it himself. He's real proud of it, like," I told her. It was a mighty nice motorcycle too. He been fixing to make another one for his lady, but he needed to find her first.

He pulled up beside us and got off. We could tell he was a little flustered because he had a big ole frown on his face.

"Wuts up, bro? Where yous been?" Emmett asked as he threw his arm around Jasper's shoulder. Jasper nearly fell to the ground because Emmett put all his weight into it. I reckon Emmett was drunker than I thought.

"Dernnit, Emmett, get off me," Jasper hollered and pushed Emmett off him. "I's be over in town, stakin' out the Kum-n-Go. They's up to sumin, I's knows they is," he said.

"They's just a store, Jasper. They's not up to nuttin," Emmett replied, and it sure was a mistake because we watched Jasper's face turn red rights in front of us. He was madder than a snail at a salt lick.

"They's got spies workin' for 'em. Before we's knows it, they's be here in Climax Springs," Jasper hollered again.

"Spies? In a store?" Bella said and Jasper turned around to look at her. She was laughing and Jasper, he don't like being laughed at much.

"Yes, darlin', spies. They's everywhere," he said, all serious like. Bella done did snorted at him and turned back toward her car. Jasper looked at Emmett and me. Emmett shrugged his shoulders, just as confused as me. I could see the gears a turning in Jasper's head already. I knew what he was thinking.

"So tells me, darlin', who are yous and what brings yous to Climax Springs?" he asked Bella as she walked to her car. She stopped and turned around. She opened her mouth to say something, but I beat her to it.

"They's not spies, Jasper. They's broke down and needs yous to fix their fancy car over yonder there," I said.

"Broke down?" he said, as if he don't believe a word of it. He done had that crazy look in his eyes.

"Yes, we broke down. We hit a pothole the size of Africa, and the car started making fucked up noises. We pulled in here and it just...died," Bella said, pointing to the ground near her car.

"Alright, I's take a look," Jasper said after waiting a long spell. As he walked to the car, Bella crossed her arms over her chest and glared at Jasper's back.

"He know what he's doin', ma'am," I said to her. Jasper was now laying on the ground looking at the car's belly. I heard him snort and mutter something like, "Dern foreigners and theys stupid, fancy cars."

He stood up and walked back over to us. "Yous drive shaft done did fell off," he said all matter of fact like.

"I's think they's broke their tranny, too," I added as I took another drink of my beer.

"Tranny?" Alice asked with a laugh. We all looked at her, not sure what was so funny about a broken tranny. Apparently, Bella was in on the funny because she snorted a bit, too.

"Well, if that be the case, it'd take a lil longer to fix. I's don't have the parts for these outta country cars. I's can push it in the garage and take a good look at it and order the parts. Should be in by next week, week after next at the latest."

"What?" both ladies yelled again and I started to think it must be something they do in that circus, talking together, like.

"We can't be stuck here for a week or two. We have a wedding to get to. My mother's wedding!" Bella wailed. Her pretty face got all scrunched up and sad like.

"I's do what I's can, ma'am, but I's gotta get the parts. When theys get here I's get it fixed faster than a cat can lick its butt," Jasper said.

"Where the fuck are we suppose to stay? We're in the middle of fuck all nowhere!"

"Yous can stay with Edward here. He got the room," Emmett slurred.

"We don't _know_ Edward," Bella said as she gave Emmett the stink eye.

"Sure yous do. He right here. He's good people," Emmett said as he slapped me hard on the back. He forgets his own strength when he's been drinking the Pabst, and I stumbled forward a bit.

"He right, ya know. Yous can stay wit me. I's be happy to have ya," I said, smiling at the ladies, because it's the polite thing to do. My granddaddy's old house had plenty of room for them two ladies, especially with how pretty they were.

"What about a hotel? There's got to be one close by," Alice said.

"Nah, they's ain't any here in Climax Springs. They's all over in town. Yous can stay wit me."

"I think I'll try AAA. Maybe they can get us to a hotel," Bella said as she pulled that black rectangle out of her pocket again. "Shit, still no service. Alice, let me see your phone."

Alice fished in her pocket and pulled out another black rectangle and handed it over to Bella.

"Yes! You have two bars. We may be able to save this shitastic day yet," Bella said all happy like. She started to push her fingers over what looked like little buttons and it made a beeping sound. She started to bring it up to her ear, but before she was able to do it, Jasper grabbed the two rectangles she was holding and threw them in the water barrel that was next to the building.

"What the fuck!" Bella hollered and she done stomped her foot. I took a step back, waiting for the steam to blow out her ears. She was so mad she could probably spit.

"They's have spies in 'em. I's seen them things over yonder there in town at the Kum-n-Go. Yous use 'em and the spies will come a watchin' everything yous do. They's not safe to have and I's not allowin' the spies to come here to Climax Springs. No ways, no hows," Jasper said as his eyes looked all around us, panicky like.

"You just ruined our fucking Blackberries! Now what are we going to do?" she continued to holler. Those rectangles sure didn't look like you could eat them. They sure wouldn't be mighty tasty. They just couldn't be blackberries.

"Is there a pay phone around here?" Alice asked Jasper. It looked to me like she was a bit sweet on him by the way she was looking at him.

"Nah, we's don't have them teliephone things. They's all have the spies. They's use to be one over yonder there, but Emmett runned it over wit the tractor one day," Jasper said back to her and I reckon he was sweet on her too because his eyes got all sparkly like when he looked at her.

"Perfect, just fucking perfect," Bella muttered.

Just then, we heard a bark and we turned around to see my dog Lucky running over to us.

"Lucky, where yous been, dog?" I asked him. He's a real smart dog. I know he understands me even when he pretend he don't.

He paid me no attention and walked over to Emmett and tried to hike his leg to take a piss on him, but he fell over and his piss started to hit Emmett all over his front. You see, Lucky only has three legs. One of his front ones fell off when Emmett ran over him with the tractor one day, the same day he ran over that telephone thing. Since then, Lucky has taking a liking to pissing on Emmett's leg every time he sees him.

Emmett had been drinking the moonshine that day and we told him not to drive the pickup. He listened to us and didn't drive the pickup, but he did get on that there tractor so he could drive over to where Rose was. Lucky was sleeping in the road and Emmett thought he was one of them there speed bumps, which made no sense at all because we didn't have any of them here in Climax Springs, so Emmett ran right over him. My pa, Carlisle, tried to patch Lucky up, but he couldn't, so Lucky lost his leg.

He's been holding a grudge against Emmett ever since.

"Dernnit, Lucky! Stop pissin' on me," Emmett yelled, but he didn't move away as he got soaked with the dog piss. He really had too much of the Pabst, I reckon.

When Lucky was done, I tried to help him up and pet him, but he growled at me like and walked over to Jasper and sat down beside him. I still don't know why he does that, but he sure does like Jasper.

"Let's get yous ladies to Edward's house," Emmett said.

"Yous not ridin' in the front of my pickup wit the dog piss coverin' yous, Emmett. Grab Lucky and hop in the back. Ladies, yous can sit up front wit me," I said.

"There is no way in hell we are getting into that truck with you. You're fucking drunk!" Bella said. She sure did have a temper for such a pretty lady.

"I's okay, I's only had 'bout ten of these here Pabst's and it ain't that far of a drive," I told her. I really didn't feel that much of the funnies. I'd be okay to drive the pickup. Ten Pabst's, that was just a warm up.

"You are obviously drunk. You can't even stand without swaying," she said.

"I's not swayin'," I said. I didn't think I was swaying anyway. Ain't nothing spinning yet.

"Yes you are. This day is shitty enough as it is. I don't want to die on a strange road, in a strange town, in a strange man's truck, with some guy covered in dog piss. Give me the god damn keys. I'll drive."

* * *

**AN: Hope you liked the chapter. Remember, this is meant to be fun. We know not everyone in the country sounds like this, but Edward wouldn't be Hickward if he didn't. Also, we don't plan to have overlapping chapters like these first two. We thought it was kinda important for "THE Meeting" to be told from both POVs. So don't get use to it. Just sayin'...**

**BIG hairy ball thank yous to our kick ass betas bookgeek80 and MaggieCullen and our pre-readers AGirlReckoning and Venis Envy. We love you ladies.**

**Let us know what you think. Love to all. Carry on. **

**~ NowforRuin and MsRason**


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